I’ve been told that I’d missed the entire point of the Fleshlight. While I’ve been laser-beam focused on the fact that having intercourse with rubber vaginas is too silly for my penis to comprehend, coupled with the fact that it’s still jacking off when what I wanted was a completely hands-free experience – the proprietary rationale of the Fleshlight is that it feels like more like a real vagina than your hand.
Okay, they got me there. It feels more like a real vagina than my hand.
But I’m not sure that that’s a problem, that when I masturbate, my hand feels like a hand and not a vagina. I’m too involved in contorting my face muscles into hideous expressions of elation to give a shit. It’s the one scenario in my life when I care more about the destination than the journey. Hand, vagina, who really cares, so long as it doesn’t feel like broken glass or Cambodian.
In fact, there exists vaginas out there that I wish felt more like my hand, so while she closes her eyes and sees George Clooney in her mind’s eye, I do the same with my own hand (only it’s more tan and with less wrinkles – rose-tinted glasses, sigh).
Though where both hands and the Fleshlight lose out to a real, bona fide vagina is that you don’t get the contracting muscles when the woman coughs or sneezes during intercourse. Besides the cuddling afterwards, this may be my favourite part about sex, so much so that I now hide pepper spray under my pillowcase – next to the roofies and electrical tape.
Wine-drunk and overworked.
And here’s a wine-drunk-and-overworked paragraph I’ll regret tomorrow (on the subject of masturbation, still, because I’d rather get all of this self-love shit out of the way so I can begin to blog about more pressing matters, such as melted cheese and SUPER HOT LATINA CASHIER THAT SERVES ME MY LUNCHTIME CHILLI EVERYDAY AND I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF CHILLI BUT NOT YET FUCKING SICK OF SUPER HOT LATINA CASHIERS):
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Ah, fuck, I'm still sober enough to catch myself.
(Hey. By the way. I don't know what the fuck Xanga points are, or why people are trying to add me as a friend. Not that I'm not into the whole community thing, but I don't see the point of it. It's their way of trying to become Facebook, when, really, they're a completely different animal. I don't get it. Also, I'm not into the whole community thing.)
